Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
