My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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