I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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