I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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