you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
