It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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