there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
ugly people sure do ruin things
You're like the curious george of whores
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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