Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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