My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
