people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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