so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
