Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
