In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
