Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
