I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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