I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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