kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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