onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
