Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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