just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
