i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
