I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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