woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Randomize
