i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
