he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
