You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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