she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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