He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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