Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Everclear isn't food dammit
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
