I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
