Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We left an ass print on the piano.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
