Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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