She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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