I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
