Sry I called you an 8
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize