I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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