ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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