My hand turned me down
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
