If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
