My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize