I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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