I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
