Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
