I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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