So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
