drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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