is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
