I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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