his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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