So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
