At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
