She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
