After last night, I could never be a politician.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
