Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
