Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
