Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
