I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
