Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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