Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
